Action Figure Comics HaikuWritten 2, 3 October 2006 in Redmond, Washington, for a “Perils of the Bold” character on Erik Kjerland’s ActionFigureComics.com site, but mercifully never published, although one of the Orc henchmen did spout bad haiku now and then—and, fittingly, was repeatedly killed off for his troubles. So there, I’ve written pseudo-haiku—on purpose, nearly all 5-7-5 and everything. It’s not as easy as it might seem!
 To be spoken by a lime-green jungle goblin, henchman to the Orc chieftain . . .
verily, I rule over comic book heroes— eat plum blossoms and die
though I have suffered ignominious defeat, my sword is still sharp
I may be running away from my enemy, but it’s good exercise
oh faithless cretin, do you not recognize my great haiku power?
dare you consider raising your weapon of choice against my haiku?
green is stupendous, the colour to rule them all— frogs jump into slime
jungle vines in spring— if only my paws were not covered in eggnog
Boo to you too, bud! I’m not just any goblin but the Orc chieftain’s!
Oh sleeping Buddha, are you an action figure, just like yours truly?
green jungle goblin, I think I’m in love—no wait that’s my reflection
you are in peril once more, my nongoblin friend— Erik will save you!
when this is over, I’ll visit bamboo gardens and sip slime milkshakes
taverns are for dorks! I’m an Orc goblin, and proud to be a nondrinker
dragonfly on pond— in these moments I wish I were a lumberjack
that ogre has eaten my right hand, so now I must write love poems with my left
if you do not know how to count syllables, you cannot hang with me
you throw mere rocks? I will slay you with my great super-power haiku!
come out from that cave oh evil ogre of death— come and play Legos
I’m made of plastic— yes, but it’s just a flesh would, and I will brawl again
this goblin is not afraid of any knight who keeps spouting sonnets
I can walk no more— I am bound to suffer these perils of the old
I will tolerate no bad puns in the name of glorious haiku
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