Toilet Seat Up or Down?

Yes, it’s one of the most pressing  questions vexing modern civilization today: Should the toilet seat be left up, or left down? This age-old conundrum continues to exasperate normally rational people the world over, except where they do not have toilet seats. I’m about to enlighten you with the answer, so brace yourself. Here we go:

I believe that both men and women should always put the toilet seat down. Women would cheer to hear a man say that, right? However, I also think both men and women should put the lid down too. How many women always put the lid down? Not doing so is just as bad as men not putting the seat down, in my opinion. Seat and lid down is the best neutral position for both genders, so you both always know you have to lift the lid (and maybe the seat too if you’re male, which is easy to do in the same motion by which you lift the lid). If it’s a shock for women in the wee hours of the night to sit down on the loo when the seat isn’t down, it’s also a shock for men to find that the lid is down, too (that is, if both genders were not expecting the lid to always be down). Lid down requires both genders (and the nonbinary) to actively make a choice and lift something, which also prevents peeing on the seat. Having the lid down also looks better, too, even if no scalawag forgot to flush. In our family, we always put the seat and the lid down. If women do not put the lid down, shame on them: They are just as guilty as men for not putting the seat down. So there.

I suppose there’s another solution: What we need is smart toilets that detect gender and need-to-go at twenty paces and automatically adjust the lid and seat before you even get there. They probably already have them in Japan. And in Bill Gates’ house. Or maybe we should all use traditional Japanese or Turkish toilets that have no lids or seats at all—you just squat. On second thought . . . nah.

• See also “The Logical Toilet.” And this.

While we’re at it, should toilet paper roll out of the dispenser from over or under? Well, here’s an illustration from the original 1891 patent application by Seth Wheeler. So this settles it. Over! Unless you have a cat.