Action Figure Comics Haiku

Written 2, 3 October 2006 in Redmond, Washington, for a “Perils of the Bold” character on Erik Kjerland’s website, but mercifully never published, although one of the Orc henchmen did spout bad haiku now and then—and, fittingly, was repeatedly killed off for his troubles. So there, I’ve written pseudo-haiku—on purpose, nearly all 5-7-5 and everything. It’s not as easy as it might seem! If you dare, see also “Godawful Early Haiku” and “Godawful Early Haiku, Part Deux.”

To be spoken by a lime-green jungle goblin, henchman to the Orc chieftain . . .

verily, I rule

over comic book heroes—

eat plum blossoms and die

though I have suffered

ignominious defeat,

my sword is still sharp

I may be running

away from my enemy,

but it’s good exercise

oh faithless cretin,

do you not recognize my

great haiku power?

dare you consider

raising your weapon of choice

against my haiku?

green is stupendous,

the colour to rule them all—

frogs jump into slime

jungle vines in spring—

if only my paws were not

covered in eggnog

Boo to you too, bud!

I’m not just any goblin

but the Orc chieftain’s!

Oh sleeping Buddha,

are you an action figure,

just like yours truly?

green jungle goblin,

I think I’m in love—no wait

that’s my reflection

you are in peril

once more, my nongoblin friend—

Erik will save you!

when this is over,

I’ll visit bamboo gardens

and sip slime milkshakes

taverns are for dorks!

I’m an Orc goblin, and proud

to be a nondrinker

dragonfly on pond—

in these moments I wish I

were a lumberjack

that ogre has eaten

my right hand, so now I must write

love poems with my left

if you do not know

how to count syllables, you

cannot hang with me

you throw mere rocks?

I will slay you with my great

super-power haiku!

come out from that cave

oh evil ogre of death—

come and play Legos

I’m made of plastic—

yes, but it’s just a flesh would,

and I will brawl again

this goblin is not

afraid of any knight who

keeps spouting sonnets

I can walk no more—

I am bound to suffer these

perils of the old

I will tolerate

no bad puns in the name of

glorious haiku